“There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

14 things I wish I’d known about miscarriage

1. One in four. One out of four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. It’s so common. So why when it happens to you twice in a period of 6 months does it feel like almost no one you know has been through it? It just can’t be true.

2. Actually for women of my age, it’s one in three.

3. If/when it happens, you must go “through” it. You can’t ignore it, you can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, emotionally and physically, you can’t not stop for a day or a week. You must allow yourself to rest, nourish, think, cry and feel ALL the feels.

4. It has to be okay to share, you need to be able to tell your boss why you can’t go to work tomorrow, or tell your friend why you don’t feel up to meeting for lunch at the weekend, or why you don’t feel ready to FaceTime your mum on the other side of the world every day like you usually do. Or why people should consider when they ask you “when are you trying for babies?” that maybe you are or you have been!

5. Let the people who want to support you, support you. Whether they send a meal bundle, a bunch of flowers, a loving text message, knowledge or advice, soak it all up. Quite possibly they have been through something similar and want to help but don’t want to share themselves, which is of course their choice. On the flip side, at times it’s a very lonely situation, ride the waves the best you can and reach out for professional help if you need to, or better, before you need to!

6. There are many versions of the same outcome. Week 6, week 8, week 12, week 20. We have a tendency to minimise the loss of the pregnancy in relation to the progression or stage of development. Of course a cluster of cells who never had a heartbeat is not the same as an almost fully formed baby, however the emotional investment and preparation that goes into caring for yourself and how your life is due to change in a matter of months is no less than huge! It’s a roller coaster from start to finish and it takes time to readjust to the yet again changed reality.

7. During my experiences at The Royal Hospital for Women every single person I met along the way was just so lovely that it literally brought me to tears. The resounding message was “You must know this is not your fault, it’s nothing you have done or could have done.” This was initially met with my cynical thoughts of “You don’t know what I’ve done!” However, most miscarriages are thought to occur due to chromosomal abnormalities which is entirely out of your control.

8. You probably have many choices, and you usually have time to decide. If the miscarriage occurs naturally then of course you must see it through. But if it is “missed”, you can wait for it to come, you can induce it with medication or you can undergo surgery aka “removal of products of conception”. You must not be pressured by anyone around you. Remaining somewhat in control of what happens to your body during a time that feels so out of control helps bring you back down to earth.

9. When you feel ready, or not, to try again, is your choice, only.

10. Ask all the questions. Don’t be shy. They’ve heard it all before. Getting clarity where possible will significantly decrease the amount of stress and anxiety you may experience when you get home to the sofa! Saying that, this was written at 3am during a mega episode of insomnia!

11. Other people will have lots of questions - you can decide who and when and what to answer.

12. Your partner may grieve and process the situation differently to how you do. That’s okay. As long as you feel supported. If you don’t it might be time for some external input on the situation.

13. Know your triggers. “When are you going to try for kids? Do you have kids? Do you want kids? My kids are a nightmare! Do you want to take my kids? Did you hear she is having a baby? Did you know she had a miscarriage?” How might you feel? What might you say? Do you want to share? Does it feel good in the moment to share and then you feel regretful later?

14. You can be strong and let it all out at the same time.

These of course are just thoughts that have arisen from my own experiences, that may provide comfort to someone navigating a similar situation.